Heafy Gets Married: Part 5

Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She... jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: I thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.

”Constantine”

After the long day, we had planned to have all the left over food and alcohol set up around my grandparents place for a late lunch and recovery session on the Sunday. We had planned to drive back to Adelaide early Monday morning, so this fit perfectly into our plans.

The new wife and I were around there pretty early, all things considered. It wasn’t until around 1pm, about 3 hours after we had arrived, that everyone else joined the group. Slowly they came, showing the signs of a good night and even slower, recalling the events of said good night. The stories came, and we pieced together all that happened once the wife and I left the reception.

If anybody reading this has seen the movie “Road Trip”, there is a really funny part where the boys go to the sperm donors. The nurse says anyone who has had sex or masturbated in the last 48 hours can not donate sperm, and nerdy looking DJ Qualls says “Well, that’s me out, because I had sex last night – WITH A GIRL! UHHH!”. Remember that bit? Anyway, I was dared and oh so tempted to walk into this recovery party and say “Well, I had sex last night – WITH MY WIFE! UHHHH!” but discretion got the better of me.

We sat and drank the day away, having a pretty good time of it. A few of the party goers were playing ten pin bowling using stubby coolers as the ball and empty bottles as the pins. They played for 3 hours or more, despite the fact that it took nearly 10 minutes to reset the pins each time due to the uneven lawn. The wife decided to wait until they had finally set them up, and then run over and knock them down. This quickly turned into what we call in Australia a “Stacks on” affair, which to be honest is also a bit of a family tradition.

When the sun started to disappear, we moved back to the local pub and stayed for about 90 minutes past closing time – playing pool, an 8 person darts tournament and spending way too much money on the video juke box. The one and only barman on duty kept the place open because we were spending, and then even offered to do multiple trips to get everyone home – how awesome was that? Unfortunately, we were not headed home. We all went back to the basement at the best mans house and drank until approximately 3am. The remaining men were arguing about why you can’t just go up to a girl at a bar and ask if they are interested in sex – if they say no, you don’t have to waste your time. If they say yes, then you can go and buy them drinks and try your best, so on. They devised that there was a secret code among all women to keep men on their toes, and the code goes by the name “Coo-Whack”. It really is quite hard and complex to understand (and explain) unless you are very drunk.

In the morning, we rounded everyone up and headed off a little after our scheduled star time, but all was ok. We the return trip was very quick as no alcohol was consumed due to there being a set time to catch a plane in Adelaide that we had to make, and the amount of flack the offending bladders copped on the way down.

With my younger brother now joining us, we got to Adelaide without much time to spare. The plan was to drop him and his flatmate off and then go to the airport where we would return the bus. Unfortunately, because we were running out of time I said we would have to go straight the Airport and then I would pay for a taxi for my younger brother. He said yes, and then had to direct us to the airport as he was the only one in the bus that knew Adelaide. Abuot 25 minutes later, in his only tour guide moment for the weekend, he said “And if you look out to the left, you’ll see my place”. Well, if I knew we were going right past it anyway then I wouldn’t have made the other arrangements. We dropped him off and got ot the airport with about 30 minutes to spare.

The flight home and taxi from the Sydney airport to our apartment was uneventful, and welcomed. During the final taxi stretch home, one of our friends who left his car at our place over the weekend said probably the biggest compliment we could have received. He said words to the effect ”Well you’ve done well to surround yourselves with the right people. I didn’t meet one person this weekend that I didn’t like.” Obviously we kept all those wrong people away from our friends, but this more than anything else I remember. I felt very happy and proud at that moment, and it finished off the weekend for me perfectly.

We got home at about 11pm, and we had an 8am flight in the morning for Phuket and the honeymoon – which will be my next post and more than likely in far fewer parts.

Heafy Gets Married: Part 4

Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

”Caddyshack”

With the photos complete, we headed back to the clubhouse for the reception. We had about 100 people coming, and the wife and I met them one by one at the door as they entered. Our plan for the evening was to get all the speeches and formal stuff out of the way extremely quickly so we could hit the bar. I had been selected by the wife to make the speeches for us, so I had to stay off the booze a little so as to not totally make a fool out of myself too early. There was another small problem – neither I nor the best man had written our speeches yet. We had planned to write them the night before at the pub on the back of some coasters, but I had failed to make it out so it never materialised.

After the emcee made the initial address and we got dinner underway, I asked to borrow his speech and I started writing mine in point form on the back of it. I had a few things I wanted to bring up during my speech, I just wrote down the points to keep me going in the right direction.

The speeches finally came around, and all went very well. Firstly the father of the bride, who was extremely nervous but got through it without any problems. Then my dad, who has a morbid love of microphones and often over-estimates the comedic value of his own jokes. But tonight he was on his game, and did a brilliant job. Unfortuantly, about half way through the speech all the bridesmaids had noticed the giant spider perched high on the wall behind them. The groomsmen had seen it when they sat down but wisely chose to say nothing. Now they had seen it, nothing could continue until it was removed.

They tried opening the door and shooing it out, but surprisingly that didn’t work. The spider moved very quickly and disappeared under the table. There was little chance these girls were sitting down after that – and it disappeared nearest to the bride. Amazingly she showed great resolve and sat there confident that the spider would do no harm (even though it wasn’t poisonous, it was maybe 2 inches in size so big enough for the girls to be worried about I guess.)

The best man gave his speech and I have to say I was very impressed. The maid of honour said to him as he went back to his seat “Oh that was so beautiful” to which both my brother immediately said to the best man “You are so in my friend”, which is a quote from the Kiwi film “Stickmen”. If he wasn’t yet, then he surely would be in a few moments.

My speech went through without a problem and then we were on to the cutting of the cake. When the bride stood up and moved over to the cake, it was revealed that the spider had rested quite comfortably on the bottom of her dress. When everyone saw this (when she was standing near the cake, with several people in front of her holding cameras) I think the spider instinctively knew it was time to get out of dodge. Then, with super hero like speed, the best man leaped out from behind the bridal table and with one deadly stamp extinguished the spider with extreme prejudice. At once, all the cameras went to the floor to take photos of the fallen arachnid. The maid of honour said to him “You know you could have any girl in the room now” and by that she meant “You know you could have me now.”

With the formalities out of the way, we got down to the drinking and partying segment of the night. All my friends were keen to meet one of the brides nieces (which I guess is kind of my niece now too), who was only 5. The reason they wanted to meet her was because they were looking at all the table settings and name plates at each seat, and they were amazed that they was a seat for “Blayde”, and they thought it was so awesome that someone would name their kid “Blayde”. She and her sister were little bundles of energy too, they were dancing the entire night non-stop just about. Before long, they started a drinking game for whenever Blayde fell down, and it was unbelievable how much fun you can have with a beer in one hand and a 5 year old running around on a slippery dance floor.

One of the young ladies at the even dared a groomsmen to do a streak across the first tee – but wouldn’t it be better if all the groomsmen did it? She asked me if I thought they would, and I said the only tough nut to crack would be my little brother. So she went to “sweet talk” him, but he agreed to it in about 3 seconds and it was on for later in the night (if they still remember it then).

At this time, the video guy was packing up his near, and he overheard the plans. He said if they wanted to do it now, he would film it.

And then it was on.

The reception was up on the first floor, so the boys all dis-robed down stairs underneath the balcony. My little brother’s female friend (not in that way, apparently) went down stairs to find where he was. She didn’t know what was going on but found out quick enough and I guess she was mature enough to stay down there while it all happened.

As the word spread around the party, a large portion moved to the balcony to witness the event. Without much fanfare, off they went streaking bare assed across the first tee and into the darkness with their suits in one hand and shoes in the other.

Not that I could see, but I’m told after they were out of sight, the video guy panned back to where they had come from, and there was my little brother’s female friend – sitting with one leg crossed over the other, happily smoking a cigarette and unaware that she was now on camera. It should make for quite a good scene.

The rest of the night was drinks and giggles, and very enjoyable. At somebodies request, the DJ played “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. Ever since I saw this comedy trio do a version of the song, I can not hear it without participating. It really is fun, you should give it a try next time you here the song. Basically, all you do is murmur or hum the words until you get to the chorus and then after Neil belts out “Sweeeeeet Caro-line” and the absolute top of your lungs, and with matching pounding fist you yell “BOM BOM BOM” in time with the three beats. After 2 or 14 beers, you get a good laugh out of it.

Eventually the time rolled around to throw the bouquet, and there were some very nervous groomsmen in the room. It looks like their significant others were nervous too, because when the bride through her flowers, the group parted like the red sea. One of the younger girls grabbed it, knowing only that they could keep the flowers if they got them.

We left through an archway of all our friends, and that is as far as I will tell for the night. Everybody else partied on and then hit the town. The following day I would hear a few stories about how they couldn’t get into the only club in town, and then got let in the side door of another pub that was hosting a gay and lesbian fancy dress party. I guess all these visitors to the town would leave quite jaded. They eventually went back to the best mans house, where they now have a basement cellar that resembles a bomb shelter. Man, was that an awesome place to drink! I obviously wasn’t there that night, but the next night we ended up back there and it was sufficiently perfect.

After all his efforts at the reception, the best man was indeed on deck with the maid of honour. Sadly for her, I guess he just wasn’t that interested as he made the choice between hooking up and going to sleep. This was good ribbing material for the rest of the trip.

My next post would be the final chapter of Heafy Gets Married, as we head to the recovery party the following day and then the long drive home.

Heafy Gets Married: Part 3

Cal: You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.

”40 year Old Virgin”

When we last left our dashing hero, he was sitting comfortably in the front row of the cathedral with his four groomsmen, awaiting the arrival of the bride. It was about 5 minutes before the scheduled start time, when disaster struck…

We were just sitting there waiting for time to pass, and I looked around to see the crowd already filling up most of the church. Two of our friends who were desperate to have any job or position in the wedding were given the duties of ushers – and their main duty was to try to spread some of my massive family over to the brides side to fill in for her very small family. Being that the wedding was in my home town and not hers, this wasn’t really surprising. The boys though had donned immaculate looking suits for the occasion. They tried to find suits similar to the ones worn in “Dumb & Dumber” but settled on a bright green number and the other was a solid purple. Looked pretty impressive.

While gazing back through the crowd, I noticed my uncle standing at the back of the church with his two little children who were the flower girl and pageboy. I wondered how they would go today when we ran for real, in front of a larger crowd. Could be good for a laugh. The flower girl was ready to go, and “Teddy” would be making the trip down the aisle with her today – which was cool, because Teddy’s pink fur just happened to match her brand new dress. The pageboy was in an identical suit to the groomsmen, and it looked absolutely perfect.

My mother was down the back of the church talking to my uncle with the kids, when she came running down the front to where dad and the rest of my family were sitting, a row or two behind me. In a matter of seconds, we could see all the blood drain from mum’s face – something was wrong and the look of panic on her face set in. The whispers started, and sensing the need to let the groom know what was going on, mum came down to the front to inform us.

In my last post, I told you about how mum was stuck in the bedroom without her clothes because my brother had driven off in the car that they were in, and how this would come back to haunt us. It did when we forgot the flowers on our lapels, because mum was the only one who knew about them and she was put into a panic and didn’t get a chance to show us where they were. But that wasn’t all…

The flower girl and page boy down the end of the church looked all ready to go, and were conducting themselves extremely well considering their age and the situation ahead of them (being a large crowd and all). She looked all ready to go with her Teddy and flowers. The pageboy looked like a little gentlemen in his suit and vest…but there was something missing from his ensemble. Wasn’t he supposed to have that little cushion today? You know, the white one with all the lace crap on it? The one with the rings tied to it?

The day before the wedding, mum had taken the rings out of their boxes and tied them to the cushion – all ready to go for the big day. Only mum knew where the cushion was, and since the best man (whose responsibility is usually the rings) had never seen the cushion or the rings, we presumed this would be taken care of. Sometimes the best man is given the rings and he has to put them in his pocket until the time comes, but obviously that was not the case as the pageboy would be bringing them to the priest today.

When my mother was running down the aisle to talk to dad, it was the usual “I thought you had them” talk. Then she came to the front of the church and told me the good news.

“We forgot the rings.”

My first reaction was to laugh – what else could you do? All the boys thought it was pretty funny, but we tried to keep it quiet while we sorted out what to do. Another uncle offered to drive back to the house to get the rings left in the bedroom still tied to the cushion. He left with much haste, and was gone only a minute or two before dad said “Does he even have keys to the house?”

When the answer came back in the negative, we sent our second operative back to HQ to retrieve the rings. Dad left again with much haste, and later told us how as soon as he jumped in the car, the little red needle hardly moved off the “E”.

While we sat and waiting, making a few jokes to ourselves about what we could use as substitute rings, and members of my family behind me accused me of visiting the pawn brokers before the wedding, I noticed a face at the end of the church I didn’t expect to see – it was the mother of the bride. But that meant…Oh yes, the bride was here and ready to go. It was about 3 minutes past the hour, which is probably the earliest a bride has ever been. She was here, and yet the rings were still not. We hoping that dad would return with them any minute and hopefully the girls were still sorting themselves outside the church and wouldn’t enter for a few minutes.

The mother of the bride came down to take her place, and stopped to congratulate/thank/wish me luck while the video guy watched on. I called him over for a quick “talking head” shot.

“I just said hello to the mother of the bride and I don’t think she knows that we forgot the rings yet”.

The bridesmaids had started to climb the steps to the front of the church, so the priest did the only thing he could do and went to the back of the church to tell them the news – they would have to wait for a few moments until the ring arrived. Thankfully, they all saw the funny side of it. By now, the entire church had learned why the ceremony had been delayed, and I think it actually put everyone in a good mood. What could you do but laugh?

Eventually dad came back with the rings, and even though I haven’t seen it yet I’m told the camera guy got some great shots of him running into the back of the church with the pillow and rings.

With that little drama sorted, we got on with the ceremony. Despite a good showing in the rehearsal, the flower girl lost the race down the aisle by 4 lengths to the pageboy. I was already up $10.

The entire ceremony went ahead as planned. I was a little concerned that the bride would be a dribbling mess of tears for the entire ordeal, but she seemed to be holding it all together at the alter with what could only be described as “Lamaze” breathing techniques. It did get a little teary during the vows, but that is to be expected. She did forget to say one word, but before she could get the word repeated the priest had moved on to the next bit. I thought better of trying to make a joke out of this while standing at the alter – which was a big effort on my behalf mind you – but what was the magic word she forgot in her vows?

“Fidelity”.

So I guess she gets a free pass on that one.

We were announced husband and wife, left the church for the photos outside and to meet everyone, and then to the historic building next door for the first half of our 3 hour photo session. All went well, and then we left for the second half of the photo session, which would be out at the golf course.

Since we were running a little late, they decided to our shots on the ninth green instead of half way around the course as we had planned. The best man was told to grab a golf buggy at the club house and drive it down to meet us, which wasn’t a problem.

I don’t know much about golf etiquette, but I know driving the golf buggies on the green is a big no-no. But after their efforts this morning, I took great pleasure doing in seeing how many donuts we could manage on this glorified lawn. We were to have pictures taken with the entire bridal party surrounding the pin, and the first girl to step on the lawn noted how deep her heels dug into the turf. We encouraged them to walk around a bit to aerate the soil a little more. I don’t think we did any permanent damage, but it sure felt good. After a certain amount of time, we had all the photos taken that needed to be, and I was quietly confident that we had some real rippers in there. These photographers were top notch so I’m very optimistic about the outcome, when final results should be a few weeks away.

With the photos done, we headed back up the hill for the reception, and yet more shenanigans were in store for us…

Heafy Gets Married: Part 2

Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?

”Wedding Crashers”

We move on to the big day, Saturday 15th of October 2005.

The girls were all staying in a flat while I was at my Grandparents place. They had a shower schedule starting at 7.30am and appointments at the hair salon from 8.30am. I got up at about 8ish as we had booked ourselves a 9.30 tee-off for the morning. We had one pull out, being my younger brother (he’s 21, so not too young but you get the picture). I called him at 8.30 to see if he was ready but he only got in 10 minutes earlier so it was safe to say golf wasn’t on the cards for him.

The rest of us trotted out to the golf course for our 9.30am tee off. We knew Saturday morning would be busy with the golf club members, but the best man had booked this tee-off time some weeks ago.

All looked well, until we got to the pro shop and they told us our tee-off time had already passed – at 9am. Since I was with the best man when he made the booking, I knew where the mistake had been made and it certainly wasn’t by him. The next available time they could get us on was 11.30, which was a bit close to the wedding.

We went back into the car park and talked about our options. I was pretty pissed off because this was the same golf club that we were holding the reception for the wedding – so we were pumping a fair amount of money into the place that very day and they couldn’t squeeze us onto the course for a quick nine holes. The best man and I went back in and gently reminded them of this, and eventually they let us go out in front of the ladies who had their competition day. Man, how hard is it to give these guys business?

We planned on skipping a few holes to get ahead and then come back to play them later, but the “Ladies Captain” – who had no hesitation telling us she held such a regal position within 2 minutes of speaking to her, was being a bitch right off the bat. What is it that this place has against people under 40 years old? I kept telling all my friends from the city how nice country people are – which is true, save for the only exception being this golf club, where they are complete wankers. Our revenge would come in time.

Of the group of 9, I think maybe 3 of us have held a golf club before. To say the quality of play was poor would be a gross understatement, but at least they had fun taking pot shots at emus. Yes, one of the many hazards on this county course was the roaming emus that litter the grounds. There was even a special rule posted in the club about the added hazard of emu droppings on the course. You won’t see that at Augusta, I tells ya.

When we whipped around in quick time and got back to the pro shop, I still hadn’t paid for the Gatorade I took the first time I went in. I told him about it the second time I went in, but forgot to pay for it yet again. I kept the empty bottle for the entire nine holes so I could bring it back to pay for it just to show him how honest I was.

Me: “Here mate, I still forgot to pay for this, sorry about that.”
Him: “No, it’s ok. You can have that one for free, thanks for going around quick.”
Me: “Nah I’ll pay for it, I carried the damn bottle all the way around the course just to come back here and pay for it, so now I’m going to pay for it. How much?”
Him: “$2.90”
Me: “$2.90?!?! You’ve got to be kidding!”
Him: “Hey, I said you could have it for free”

I don’t think he could see the sarcasm and irony in the whole situation. At least I got a laugh out of the guy standing next to me. I did think it was a little funny that we were spending about $6K upstairs that night with the golf club and along with $250 we just spent playing 9 holes for the group of us (plus we just ordered 2 rounds of beer), and here he was generous as anything offering a free $2.90 drink.

With golf over, we headed back to my grandparents house for lunch, and with the added bonus of there being a cricket game on TV it would be a pleasant lunch watching the Australians vs The Rest Of The World team with a few beers before the wedding.

The day was also Caufield Cup day, the second biggest horse racing day on the Australian calendar. I decided to lie down on the lounge room floor with my beer (grand father’s home brew, mind you) while watching the cricket and reading the form guide in the paper. My soon-to-be mother in law came around to check something out or to confirm something – who knows – but all in a rush and panic because the wedding was 3 hours or so away. She was quite shocked to see me in my current state, spread out on the floor reading the paper. I guess I am just a little more relaxed than everyone expected.

Seriously, it was unbelievable how much I was getting hassled about it all. So I am an easy going type of guy, who cares? Every second person was doing the whole “So, getting nervous?” thing whenever they saw me, and I guess they just thought I was trying to play it cool but I’m just like that. It doesn’t bother me all that much. But an ace on the board when I’m holding QQ? Yeah, that usually worries me a little more. I have a problem.

Eventually it gets close enough to the start time to warrant me to begin getting ready, always with one eye on the cricket. I had four groomsmen for the day, 2 brothers and 2 high school friends. The suits were all ready and looked a treat, so lets get this thing going shall we?

Hang on, my older brother thought white shoes would look cool with the black suit. I didn’t even get to say anything about it before mum jumped in and played the motherly roll and told him to go get his black shoes which were at his girlfriends house. So off he went in mum’s car – which also contained mum’s clothes. So mum had a shower and started getting ready when she remembered the dress was in the car, and then realised that my brother had decided to take that very same car for a little drive to get his shoes. We were not late and had plenty of time, but this becomes very relevant later on.

Eventually we all got ready and I called the groomsmen into one of the rooms to give them the run down for the day. The orders were if anything goes wrong during the ceremony, their first duty was to laugh at it. It’s no good things going wrong if we can’t get a laugh out of them. Mistakes are bound to happen, if we just roll with the punches then it will all be ok. If a page boy decides to go for a run around the alter, grab him and give him a piggy back ride. At least we know where he is then. Secondly, I gave them each a present for rocking up on the day – a glass decanter with four port sippers. I bought an extra one for myself too.

We got our act together and headed off in the cars to the church. We got to go into a side entrance through the priest’s entrance and hung out there until it was time to enter the church. The priest came out and said hello, how is everything – the usual stuff. He was a very cool priest all up and was great. He said “Oh, so you boys are not wearing flowers then?”. That’s funny, I’m pretty sure I had this discussion with the Distraction and I lost, meaning we would be wearing flowers today. However, a quick glance around the room revealed that not one of us had a flower on us. Mum knew where the flowers were, but she was too busy before to let us in on the little secret. Anyways, this was no big deal and an uncle drove the 5 minutes back to the house to get them. They arrived back with us in plenty of time and we had averted the first problem.

About then a man walked into the room we were in holding a video camera and was already shooting. It took me a moment to realise this was the guy we had actually paid to do this, but he failed to introduce himself or anything like that. He was a bit of a dick, but I have seen his finished work and it’s top notch so I guess post-production is his speciality.

Since I already thought he was a dick, I didn’t give him any straight answers for his questions. Besides, I was getting a little bored waiting in the wings like this.

“So, are you nervous about today?”
“No, Australia has a pretty good hold on the cricket. Warney is in top form and should clean them up by tomorrow.”
“Anything else going on today?”
“Yeah, we played golf this morning. He hit an emu!”

Time comes around and the priest leads us into the cathedral. We get to sit in the front row and wait for the bride to make her fashionably late entrance…and then disaster struck!

Tune in to my next post to find out what drastic event occurred next, which threatened to postpone the wedding!

Heafy Gets Married: Part 1

Max Baer: It's no joke, pal. People die in fairy tales all the time.

”Cinderella Man”

So much has happened, I hardly know where to begin. I guess it would be easiest to just tell everything in the order it happened. This will take several parts I imagine, in 3 chapters – Heafy gets married, Heafy goes on a honeymoon and then Heafy moves apartments. The final chapter, Heafy starts a new job is only half finished so far (I mean in real life, not in the writing). If you are looking for poker content, come back in a week or so. I haven’t played a hand in nearly a month, and that is unlikely to change for the next week at least. So without further rambling, lets get to the first instalment of Heafy Gets Married:

My lovely distraction and wife to be has had the wedding organised from the day we got engaged, 12 months ago. Everything has been meticulously studied, researched and planned with dates and times and little regard for a budget (although there was one). She then left for the place of marriage a week in advance to finalise everything, while I had 4 days of bachelor hood to contended with. So what did I do? I went to work and slept, I had no time to do anything else.

On the night before I was due to leave I had 3 of the guys over, as we were all due for a 4am pickup to make it to the airport. We would fly to Adelaide at 7am and then pick up a 12 seater bus and drive that (along with more passengers of course) the 6 hours to my home town.

We had a few beers because they were cold, and were watching a brand new sketch comedy show on TV were we actually knew a few of the actors – and surprisingly, it was pretty darn good. Anyway, after that finished, we put on Triumph the insult comic dog, and then Family Guy, Futurama and so on and so on. It got to around 1am when I thought I better start packing.

Yep, 1am Thursday morning - 3 hours before I was due to leave for the wedding, I started to pack. It took me 30 minutes and I didn’t leave anything behind. That’s called efficiency, children.

I grabbed 2 hours sleep, as did the rest of the house. It’s amazing how sober we felt at 4am in the morning when our shuttle bus arrived. We had to pick up a few more punters on our way to the airport, and then 6 little chickens boarded the 7am flight to Adelaide.

We had to pick up 2 more people that had flown in from Brisbane, and then we stocked the bus full of snack food and alcohol. I was looking forward to the bus trip, even though I quickly realised that there was only three people on the bus who could actually drive it – and I was one of them. Looks like I won’t be getting drunk this morning, Ill have to wait until I hit home.

The drive from Adelaide takes 5 hours and a bit by car, so an easy 6 in a mini-bus. But this mini-bus was AWESOME! Even with the trailer, we were cruising at 120 mph. I thought we would make good time. However, the boys in the back were hitting the beers pretty hard. One of them in particular has been known for having the worst bladder you have ever seen. It took a little while for him to get going, but once he “broke the seel”, it was pure hell. Since I was driving, I kept note of how often we needed to stop – every 30 kms (about 18 miles) he needed a toilet break. Man, that got boring really quickly. Me and my co-pilot (the only other sober person on the bus who I shared the driving duties with) had an over/under bet for the number of toilet breaks at 15. Each time a toilet break occurred, we kept count like The Count from “Sesame Street”

“12! 12 Toilet break, ah, ah ,ahhhh.” In a crappy Transylvanian accent. It was quite fun actually and this practiced continued for the entire weekend. I guess you had to be there to fully appreciate it.

At one of the pit stops that occurred at an actual petrol station (we call it petroleum, not gasoline so we have “petrol stations” not “gas stations”. This ends this weeks segment of “Know your Australian”) in the middle of nowhere, the owner said we could only use the toilets if we were a customer. Since it was already pretty hot, ice creams were the go. Our toilet break master left his wallet in the bus (yes, that old trick) and I was standing next to him so I spotted him the $2 to get a damn ice cream. He made his selection and headed back to the bus.

As we waited for the smokers to finish before we re-boarded, everyone was comparing their purchases. Our toilet-breaking hero had decided to buy a delicious ice cream with an unfortunate name – he bought the “Golden Gaytime”. Yes, that was it's real name. It's made by Streets, look it up.

“I just stopped for a toilet break, and I had a gaytime!”

“Yeah, and I had to bloody pay for it!”

You make your own fun on the road.

The toilet breaks continued relentlessly, until about 200 kms out from my home town when all the drunkards fell asleep. The final 2 hours were blissful. The end count was 15 toilet breaks, and the 6 hour drive took over 7 and a half hours.

I took all the guys to the best pub in town for a feed, and the girls had a hens night to attend that my mum had organised. I guess it gave all the local 50 year old women something to cluck about, and give them a chance to meet my Distraction. This meant though that all their husbands would be free for the night, so they all headed to another local pub, ready for us to meet up with them. Finally I was able to get drunk, and the bartender kept the place open 90 minutes beyond closing time for us which was more than rewarded with out patronage. The hens night broke early and the few survivors made it out to the pub anyway to join in the carnage. The memory is a little shaky, but I do remember drinking Ouzo and shots of sambuca – both of which I detest. Full enough, we headed home in the early hours of the morning satisfied that the 5 day event had got off to a good enough start.

Friday was a low key day, being the eve of the wedding and all. I took all the visitors to the fine city on a mini tour to show what we had to offer – which really isn’t much in a small country town. We did head out to a small town called Silverton, population of about 20 or so. There is a really famous pub out there though. A heap of movies have been shot in the area, and out the front of the pub is none other than the famous “Interceptor” from the Mad Max movies starring Mel Gibson, which I think was called “The Road Warrior” in North America.

We also went to one of the art galleries in Silverton, where the artist is famous for painting in Vegemite. My older brother decided to buy 6 of these crappy beaded necklaces for $10, which was kind of convenient because there was 6 guys on the bus. These little pieces of “Bling Bling” were carried everywhere except the church for the entire weekend and beyond.

Lunch was then at the best damn chicken and chips shop in the entire world. I have been talking the place up to all the visitors for weeks, and I was glad that it didn’t let me down. With little else to do, we headed back to a different pub again (current pub count at 3) and playing pool and darts for a few hours. Both were free of charge as I knew this publican too.

Now this is where things got a bit tricky – even though we were all in town for my wedding, most of the revelry and merriment occurred without me and my Distraction. The group continued on at the pub and later at another pub while we went to the rehearsal and then dinner with my brother-in-law to-be.

The rehearsal was interesting. We started off with my two little cousins, aged 5 and 3 who would be page boy and flower girl respectively. This was their first trip down the church and we had no idea how they would go tonight let alone on the day. It’s a really big church too so that just made it more interesting. About half way down, my younger brother put $10 on the flower girl to win the race on the day.

My Distraction was visibly nervous, shaking all the time and she swore in front of the priest a few times – nothing too major, but it gave everyone else a laugh at least.

After dinner with her brother, I was supposed to go out and catch up with everyone else at the pub but it was 11pm already and I thought I better make one sensible decision for the weekend and went to bed. The others kicked on and most came home around 5am that morning, so I think I made the better decision for the sake of the rest of my life.

Thus ends Thursday and Friday of the weekend – Saturday through to Monday to come!

I'm back

Just a quick little post here, I'm back from the wedding and the honeymoon and both were fantastic. I have many stories to tell, but I am far too tired and busy to do it now. I have a tonne of reading to catch up on and I will give a proper post hopefully tomorrow.

Welcome back real world!

Going To The Chapel And We're...

Luke: No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everyone Wang Chung tonight.

”Out Cold”

Not a bad little movie that one.

Had a good session last night, up about $90 on the night but still down overall since logging on to Titan. I had 74o in the big blind flop two pair and get paid off when I went all in on the turn – not my finest move, as really I was only going to get called by a better hand. Well, somebody did call and who knows what he held because bottom two pair was good enough and he mucked. Then I pulled a first in a $10 + $1 6-max SNG when I felt in control the entire time. There were quite a few suck outs in this game, but what was funny was the amount of times I was allowed to draw to a gut shot for free, hit it and then realise that my opponent was drawing to the exact same hand. Oh well, what can you do?

And then that was it – I’m done with poker for probably the rest of the month. Today is my last day at work for the month too – when I come back, I will have only 5 days left at my current employer before a new adventure in my career begins. It is highly unlikely that this blog will be updated in that time, and as such it is highly unlikely that I will be able to keep up on my reading of others. I hope that when I return I will be smart enough to buy in to some penny tables first, just because I will be itching for a game for so long that it’s best not to risk too much. Just as a side note, this is now post number 150. What a journey it has been already.

The time table goes a little like this – Tomorrow 4.30am, we leave for the airport, then we hire a bus and take a six hour drive to my home town. In the night the girls have a second hens night so all the men are heading to the pub. Well, we were headed there anyway, at least now they all have an excuse. Friday will be a quick set up at the reception then a little tourist activity for all the visitors to the fine city. I have to make a trip to the jeweller to make sure the rings are all fine. Friday night more than likely will be back at the pub. Saturday morning we have an 8am tee-off, then we’ll head to the TAB (bookies run by the government) because it is the second biggest race day in Australia that day, and we have some real horse racing fans at the wedding.

The wedding itself is on in the afternoon and of course the reception to follow. Sunday will be a recovery day at my Grandparents house, sampling the nearly 1000 strong home brew stash Pop has been working on since he retired. Monday we make our way home and then Tuesday we are off on our Honeymoon.

So I guess this is me signing off for the next few weeks, and when I return I will be full of vigour, filled to the brim with stories to tell and ready for some poker.

After all, I’ll still be playing just as much poker when I’m married, right?

The Bitch's Bitch No More

Organizer: Of course you know certain sceptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nation’s most elite highway patrolmen are out there waiting for us after we start, but let's stay positively: Think of the fact that there's not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding... although I'm not so sure about Ohio.

”Cannonball Run”

There has been a lot of talk about Party dumping their skins. While I currently have $0 invested in Party and all of their skins, I’m still a little disappointed as this obviously creates a smaller crowd at party for the time being at least. I don’t have an intimate knowledge of the rake back offers going around and if/when Party will offer their own, so I think I have already said enough on this topic.

I organised a home game this past Saturday, and was worried that we wouldn’t get enough players to make it viable during the day, with only 5 confirmed and 3 maybes. As luck would have it, all three maybes turned up and we were good to go.

We had one new player join the game, and so there is always a feeling out process involved when an unknown joins the crowd. The usual questions come out – how long you been playing, do you play online or at the casino and so on. This guy gives us answers like “I’ve only played once before, never played online, I play mostly 5 card draw”. Alarm bells are ringing in my head – ok, he can’t be serious because who would go to a strangers house with 6-7 other people he had never met to gamble at a game he has never played? So this has got to be the worst ever attempt at playing dumb ever, which makes me think this might be an easy mark after all. As it turns out, he wasn’t lying at all. He hadn’t even seen it on TV, so I have no idea where his interest in poker rose from.

Never the less, the games were away. We play $15 freeze outs, with $5 bounties on each player. 3rd gets $10 back, and 1st and 2nd get the rest. I managed to stay out of trouble, never the short stack and never the chip leader and make it down to the final three. In these home games, I have always been haunted by Queens. I either loose with them, or I loose when somebody else has them. It just seems to happen that way in these home games.

In the final three, I manage to crack my opponents Queens with big slick with a king on the flop and an ace on the river. I loudly proclaim that I am no longer afraid of them, the bitches are off my back! It was a pretty lacklustre hand to be honest, but I needed to make a point to myself and stop being so superstitious about these stupid Queens. With it now heads up, the chip leader had maybe 10% more chips than me. It had been nearly 2 hours since the first player bounced, and in the interest of keeping everyone happy we decided to split the money and get the second game going. We ran a flop just to see who had the better hand, and my ace-high held up. Screw it, I’m claiming that one!

In the second game, something reoccurred. One of the usually tight players was raising nearly every hand. He did this last time and was bluffing 90% of the time, but it was working for him as he was willing to bluff all-in over the top, and the rest of the table would fold. He was doing it again, and I was loosing a few raises when I couldn’t call with mediocre hands. After an orbit or two, I am dealt those Queens again in the big blind, and the newly aggressive player UTG goes all-in. One other player went into the tank for a long time thinking about calling, and I had already committed myself to the decision: If he calls, I fold. If he folds, I call. He would have to have something big to make this call – but wouldn’t he already call if he had Aces or Kings? If I put him on a big ace, can I still call with Queens? I know I should, but fortunately I never had to make that distinction as he folded. UTG looked relived, and then a little surprised that I called. I told him I’m not afraid of Queens anymore, and flipped them over. He simply told me good call, it was a stone cold bluff with 45o.

There is a 4 on the flop.

Queens…why do they do this to me?

An ace on the turn – wow, glad the other guy folded with ATo (he said he would have called if they were suited.)

Jack on the river, and the Queens double me up, leaving UTG with less than the big blind. I was pretty happy at this stage. I knocked out everyone else on my way to heads up, only sucking out once (with AK hitting an ace on the river to beat JJ). I was heads up against a player so tight we openly call him Ayers Rock. Simple, if he bets he has something, if he thinks and calls then he is on a draw. I like being heads up with him because you always know where you are.

The thing about his tight play though, he was getting cards like you wouldn’t believe. Getting pocket aces is about 220 to 1, right? He had them 8 times on the night that we know of. I cracked them once with 66 when a six hit the flop and he called my all-in. In the first hand of heads up, I decided to fold 92 in the small blind – I was kind of disappointed as soon as I did it because with such a rock I should raise every single hand. But my cards had already hit the muck – and he flipped over the aces again!

We go through the motions, then with Q3 we see a flop – KJ3 rainbow. He bets out a little, and I think about folding but the bet was small enough to let me gamble – maybe he only has ace high? The turn was a 8, and the same thing happens. The river is another 3, and he goes all in. I think he has a King now, but nothing with it. I check my cards, grab the three out and flip it over as I say call. He looks shocked, and once again shows his aces which have been cracked again. This was probably the first time he had tried to slow play them and it ended the tournament for him.

So there we have it, including bounties I had a total profit of about $75 on the night which I was happy with – but I also gave it all back on the $1/$2 NL table on Titan the next morning (AK vs K8, flop was K8x). I only have one more night left for poker opportunities before I have to say good bye to poker (and this blog) for 3 weeks at least.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

Peter Griffin: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbour’s living room while his neighbour’s at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

”The Family Guy: Stewie Griffin, the Untold Story.”

Life is pretty hectic at the minute. So many major events have occurred in such a short amount of time. It is now 6 days until I have my Distraction upgraded from fiancé to wife. She has already left to make the final arrangements in the city we are getting married in, so I have the last few days of my single life to deal with. I drank beer, played X-Box and poker. If life has more to offer than that, then I don’t want to know about it.

Also, last Thursday I was offered a new job. Bigger company, more money, better conditions – you get the picture. It’s funny, my current job was my first “proper” job – by that I mean my first full-time job. All my other jobs were part time or vacation work. In the interview to gain this position, I basically did nothing. I had been to a heap of interviews at the time, but the one where I hardly got a word in and the only questions I had to answer were about my hometown. This second time round, I again had been to lots of interviews, even multiple interviews at some places, but the job I get I really didn’t have to try hard for. I felt like they had already pencilled me in before I stepped through the door. All the others, I researched the company, articulated cover letters for my resume, worked hard to answer all their questions and sell myself, I gets nothin’. Funny how life works some times.

Getting a new job is a lot like getting a new girl friend – sooner or later, you have to let the old one go. I thought it best to get it out of the way first thing the next morning, Friday morning. Get it out of the way, and deal with the awkwardness of four weeks notice as you have to. I’ve psyched myself up for it, but unfortunately the boss was out for the morning and wouldn’t be back until lunch time. Then, my duties called for me to do a field visit to one of our sites, 2 hours drive away. By the time all of that got sorted, I was back in the office a few hours before closing time for the week. I had re-psyched myself, and whenever he was alone in his office I would go in and hand over my letter. I’m not trying to burn any bridges here, I have nothing to gain from that.

Just before I go to his office, he orders everyone down stairs to reception. This is quite common, and usually means it is someone’s birthday and we are singing happy birthday and having some cake. I sat down and waiting to find out who it was, when the boss came walking down the stairs carrying a big basket full of goodies. This is not what normally happens when it’s someone’s birthday, but I’ve never been at this company when someone gets married…

It was a fantastic gift basket, with picture frames, premium brand bath towels, champagne and champagne glasses. Not the cheap stuff either. Wow, what a prick I felt like standing there saying thanks and feeling genuinely surprised and impressed – all the time with a resignation letter in my pocket. An hour later I finally plucked up the courage to do what I had to do, all the time apologising for my poor timing. My boss starting laughing, seeing the funny side of the whole situation. Besides, there is so much more going on in the company (and the company lawyers) to keep them busy, me leaving isn’t such a big deal. To add farther to the situation, during my four weeks notice period, I had 2 weeks booked for holidays for the wedding and honeymoon. Kind of bad timing, but those holidays were booked 8 months ago so it’s not like I’m trying this out of spite or anything.

Just an amazing time – quit my job last Friday, getting married this Saturday, off to the honeymoon overseas (my first time using my passport) a few days later, moving house once we get back and then finally starting a new job. There are some major life changes involved there.

I also managed to play some life and online poker during this time, but that can wait until next post.

Non-Existentialist Conversations with Strippers

Treebeard: You must understand young hobbit, takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.

”Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”

Yesterday was a public holiday here in Sydney, meaning of course it was a long weekend – and two weeks before the wedding it seemed like the perfect time to have ourselves a bachelors party for the weekend, which included my first ever visit to a strip club. But that story will come in time.

Friday night, and the majority of the party had already arrived for some lazy drinks and a BBQ. We had bought ourselves enough alcohol to last the weekend, but that ran out by 11pm. It was a little while after this that we spoke about one of our friends who didn’t make the trip up from Canberra for the weekend (mostly due to some traffic violations), and after a few minutes of discussion and a quick look on the internet, we had booked him a bus ticket that left at 5am. We quickly phoned him to let him know, and it was all set.

We did play some poker, but I think everyone was too drunk to realise the game was still going or what the two little pieces of plastic in front of them were. I do remember doubling up twice in the second game with the nut flush and with top set drawing to a full house. Then somebody said it was 4am and I somehow ended up in bed 5 minutes later – I remember thinking that I wasn’t in the best position and throwing up was a distinct possibility, but it was all good in the end. I don’t remember leaving the game or what position I was in at the time, so I will just assume I was so far ahead that it wasn’t a challenge to play out the final positions.

In the morning we went to a driving range to bash a few balls, which was always going to be a recipe for disaster with the esky full of beer with us (here is another Australianism for my North American friends – Esky is actually a brand of “cooler”, large plastic container used to keep beer cold when filled with ice. Despite what brand you buy, it’s still called an “esky”). The driving range was the usual thing, until the little tractor drives out to collect the balls – then naturally everyone tries to hit it. We had a few “flesh wounds” on the tractor, but it wasn’t until the final drive that we had a confirmed kill when the ball smacked dead on the front of the mesh windshield. Even the driver got a laugh out of that one.

We had a kick of the footy and just hung around in the sun talking crap for a few hours, resting up which was pretty good. The main entertainment would be tonight.

This was a nervous time, for both myself and the Distraction. I had visions of what the strip club would be like, from the classy “Gentlemen’s Club” you see in the movies to the seedy ping pong ball shows you hear about from travellers. I pondered through all the posts of Dr. Pauly to garner further clues, but I don’t know if they were applicable being half a world away. My Distraction, my lovely wife to be, does have a bit of a jealousy streak. She was aware that a strip club was in the nights entertainment (which I didn’t know for sure, but could assume), but was still a little nervous about it. And I too, because I’m really not that keen on being the centre of attention on my first trip to such a fine establish, and certainly not to get any photos coming back to my distraction that would make life a living hell from there on.

Our flat mate had been to this club the week before – as research, you see. It was right in the city, not in the right light district of Kings Cross (I just put that in for future reference in case any readers decide to visit Sydney). According to the experts, this place was one of the classier joints available. First thing, the bouncer on the door. He was a Mauri guy, about 6’ 4” with a metal detector wand. Tried to make casual conversation with him, but he wasn’t having any of it. I hoped this would be the last we would see of this guy.

Up the stairs, and the warning signs at reception told us no cameras were allowed. Well, at least that was a relief. We were escorted to the “VIP” room, which in reality was separated from the main room by a big glass wall – the other difference being meals were served in the VIP room.

Before I get on to the dancers, the meal as this club was unbelievable. I thought a strip joint could get away with fish and chips wrapped in newspaper and no one would complain. The food could have been served at any restaurant in the city and not be out of place. It was a pleasant surprise.

The place had the tables set up with podiums in between, and the dancers would not leave the podiums during their routines, and had a no touching rule very much in effect. Since Australian currency does not have $1 or $2 notes in circulation, you could buy $2 tipping vouchers from the waitresses to give to the dancers. It felt more like a tradition than a tip to be honest.

Most of the dancers seemed to be English back packers, and as we later recalled they were all top calibre – unlike our waitress, who though very attractive seemed to be making sure the coke wasn’t showing on her nose whenever she came out to serve. All the dancers were gorgeous were sober and straight, and absolutely gorgeous – except one who looked like she was only a few months since the “chop”.

Some of the athletic talent on the pole was worthy of Olympic competition. Out of the 12 dancers or so we saw working that night, I think maybe 3-4 were not blonde. None would have been over 25 if they were lucky. To put it short, the HR department at this club was top notch.

As a side note, that morning and the night before we had been wasting some time watching the Chappelle Show DVD’s. Most of the guys have never seen them before, and they had immediately got on the “I’m Rick James bitch” bandwagon that was so popular last year, along with Li’l John’s “WHAT? YEAH! OK!” and “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch”? All night that was what you could here yelled from our table. I even tried to get a few of the dancers to give their best Rick James impersonation for extra tips. I went 1 for 2 on that deal. I then started to get more creative, and started to set challenges for the girls to earn their tips. I had several in mind, and started with if any girl could do a handstand, that would be level one. Unfortunately, none of them attempted it so we never got passed it.

My brother had bought an LED display belt buckle off eBay and planned on unveiling it for the night. Standing behind the glass wall that separated the VIP room from the main room, there was a small podium and pole right in front were one dancer was plying her trade and attracting a decent crowd. My brother was standing there on the other side of the window looking out with his belt buckle side scrolling, in bright blue saying “Show them titties” – not comic genius by any stretch of the imagination, but it was hilarious watching one by one the guys sitting at the podium look up…then read for a few seconds, and then cheer loudly and bash their mate next to them and point up to the glass. One by one the entire crowd looked up until eventually the dancer turned around to see what was going on. She too paused for a moment…read the belt buckle…then laughed and obliged. All in the world seemed right.

We were just drinking beer for the night, but before long there was a shot shoved in front of me. I hate drinking shots – and this one looks ominous. The bright green colour and sweet aroma meant it could only be one drink – The Green Fairy herself, Absinthe. I’ve never tried it, and am only vaguely aware of the urban legends about the hallucinogenic properties of it. That stuff burns your throat, and brought tears to my eyes. Not bad though, and to be honest it loosened me up a bit. I put down two of them in the night – which also included “vapour shots” with them, and experienced no visions or hallucinations to speak off. I don’t know if I was relieved or disappointed by that fact.

One of the friendlier dancers near our table was sporting a small tattoo on her waste of some Chinese lettering. We asked what it meant and she said “Would you like fries with that”. This seemed random enough, so I asked what was the inspiration behind such a tattoo – “It’s to go with my shake and burger!”. This must be one of those jokes that is passed down from one stripper to another around the world, but we in our drunken haze thought it was hilarious.

One of the girls whose name was “Hayley” was talking to my brother and revealed – shock horror – that Hayley was not her real name, that it was Emily. When she started at this club, they gave a sheet full of names to them and they had to pick one. He said “If you get in Playboy, do they retire your name and put it up on the wall?”. She obviously wasn’t a sports fan.

The really nice stripper with the “would you like fries with that” tattoo offered to do a shower show for our group, which the guys quickly agreed to. Unfortunately, the room could only fit half our number, so she had to do two shows. Fortunately, being the “Buck”, I wasn’t allowed to pay and got to see both shows. I told everyone in the first show that the second was better, and told everyone in the second show that the first was better. She was dressed as Wonder Woman to begin with, and her stripper name was Sienna. In a bout of stupidity, one of our party said the only other Sienna he has ever known was dead now. WTF? He got hit for that one. The lovely dancer in the shower exclaimed “But I’m still alive!”. Indeed, she was…

Between the two shows, I was talking more to the dancer and she was saying how well behaved and nice this bucks party was, compared to some trouble they have from time to time. One look at the bouncer on the door and there was zero chance of any trouble coming from our group. In fact, we didn’t see any trouble at the place at all, we were laughing it up with all the guys around the others tables as much as they were with us.

At one point around midnight, me mobile phone rang. It was my mother, who was at another family friends wedding in another state (i.e. – no doubt a few drinks better off) and decided to give us a call.

“You do know what’s going on this weekend, don’t you?” I said, and she should have known as my brother had flown in for the weekend for it.

“Yes I do know!” She proudly proclaimed. I didn’t sit and talk with mum while naked women were dancing around to be honest…but maybe the women did. I handed the phone to one of the girls as they were dancing in front of another bucks group. She was a bit shocked – the stripper, that is. I got her name (Monique) and told mum much to the cheers of those around. I then handed her over to my brother – my mum on the phone that is, not the stripper.

One of our party specifically wanted to go drink beer at a place with girls he had a chance at touching, so we were winding up at this club just as the best looking dancer took the stage – we further delayed our exit by 30 minutes or so. We walked out at about 1am much wiser for the experience. We tried to get in to a few other bars around the place, but with no luck. We ended up at the casino for a late night meal and a few guys made a bit of scratch in black jack and Caribbean Stud. Even all the bars here were closing, so it was a bit of a fizzer.

While having our late night meals, there was another fine looking female at the table across from us who was taking off her coat. One of the boys went to reach for a left over $2 tipping voucher, but he was caught in time. It was hard to readjust to the real world.

So there you have it, my strip club cherry has been popped. What can I say? I highly recommend “Pure Platinum” to any visitors to this fine city after such entertainment. While I didn’t get the chance to engage many of the employees in deep philosophical discussions, we still had a fun and the Distraction wasn’t too bad with it. The next day we were all in our lounge room going over the details of the night with her present – which seemed a little weird and I always thought what happens on tour stayed on tour. All the guys seemed pretty comfortable telling all the stories in front of my better half, but adopted the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with their own girlfriends. She wasn’t too impressed with the whole shower show thing, but to be honest I think by any man’s standards it was a tame night. Our roommate tried to reassure the Distraction by saying “Don’t worry, he was getting into it”. With friends like these…

Me Too!

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 4188614

I Love Free Stuff

Ordell Robbie: AK-47. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.

”Jackie Brown”

Why does poker as a pastime attract me more than, say for example, dungeons and dragons, monopoly or chess? Because I have always had a love of the 52 little pieces of plastic playing cards, and I can win stuff playing poker! Not that you can’t win stuff playing monopoly or any other of the other games, but in poker EVERYBODY can get free shit, just for playing! And as I have said many times before (and will say many times more) I love getting free shit.

Which is another reason I am so grateful for the help from fellow bloggers, and once again I give props to Duggle Bogey for turning me on to PSO. It’s like double dipping for deposit bonus’, and I love it. To date I have received the following items for free (actually, while making a profit I received these items) from poker source online (and Amazon vouchers from the same):

2 decks of KEM cards
2 decks of Copag cards
WSOP 2003 DVD
WPT Season 2 DVD set
Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD
“Death of WCW” book.
Chappelle Show season 1 and 2 box sets
“The Professor, the banker and the suicide king” book
“It Aint Easy Bein Me” Rodney Dangerfield’s autobiography.

Not a bad effort for a lower than average poker player, and I repeat I was actually turning a profit while all this was going on (a very small one, but a profit none the less). Why bring this up now? Well, I am about 20 minutes playing time away from clearing another bonus promotion at Titan Poker through PSO which will net me a total of $180 to spend at Amazon, which is more like $140 when you include postage.

I’m not big on shopping, and I despise shopping malls and their crowds. I’m a “use it till it’s broken” kind of guy. Most of my favourite articles of clothing have holes all through them, and for good reason. If I have to buy something new, I get it grab it and get out. Anything else could be a waste of time and potentially incur further spending.

But you see, this $180 has to be spent. It’s not like the vouchers will be worth me in time (quite the opposite), so I have an obligation to spend this money, and what with the wedding and honeymoon just a few weeks away spending money is tight so this is a real treat. $180 that I can go nuts with! Sure, it’s not exactly a big screen TV or a new car or anything, but it is just great fun buying crap that I don’t have to pay for. A whole new swag, that includes 3 shirts, 1 pair of shorts, and 3 DVD sets, will be delivered to my door in about a months time (damn overseas shipping!) and I am not out of pocket for any of it!

I can’t even remember how the games went at the tables last night – but I do remember I was down about $5 all up. Just going through all the options for the $180 and picking everything out, especially like I said how tight money is at the moment, put me in a really good mood and I felt like sharing. Cheerio!

The Suckout That Wasn't

Larry Joseph Burrows: Why is it when you do something terrific, nine times out of 10 you're all alone, but when you screw up really big, the whole world is watching?

”Mr. Destiny”

After yesterdays NFL bashing, I feel like I should mention two things about the game that I do like, and then be done with it. Firstly, Quarterbacks must have some awesome skill. To remember all those plays, then find an open man amongst all those players and throw it with all that padding on, that’s pretty impressive. When I guy runs 20 yards full tilt, then turns around and the ball is already there for him to catch, that’s a pretty special skill. And secondly, the scheduling. Having a week off after the two final teams are decided is a top idea, and so is having the pro-bowl at seasons end.

Anyways, back to poker – have you ever made a call at the table and you still don’t know if it was smart or not. I mean, you know why you did it, it seems reasonable at the time, but you still have no idea if you were correct or lucky. Maybe a combination of both. Here is how my night went last night.

I bought into the $1/$2 NL 6-max game with $75, which maybe a little under what I need, but never the less that is what happened. 30 hands in, I have not won one hand and I’m down to $22 left. Ouch – it was some raises pre-flop that then missed and I was forced to drop, as well as some unlucky river cards that cost me (twp pair getting done by a bigger two pair, you know the usual story.). The Distraction is in full force also, and asked me how I was going – “I need to double-up twice in a row to get close to even”. Yeah, I was travelling that good . But this isn’t a bad beat post, this is just a weird hand.

On the button, I have ATo and think with $22 left if I raise it here I am just about pot committed anyways. If I push now, I’ll only get called by bigger hands or I’ll make $6 or something. So I decided to do hat I always do with an ok hand and just raise – raise it to $7. 3 callers, which is good if I hit and bad if I don’t. The flop comes 3d7s9s. I have the Ace of spades, so I can get runner-runner spades or runner-runner straight, but most likely I’m looking for runner-runner two pair or trips to be good (got to assume there is a better ace out there). I’m last to act, but I’m already planning on pushing all-in on this pot because with $15 left what more can I do? First position bets $8, second position raises to $33, and third position calls all-in for $33. What to do, what to do?

Surely someone has something better than me. There could be a flush or straight draw, or even an under pair out there but they are all better than me. I’m pretty disappointed with how this session has gone, and the tilt in me wants to push and not even look at the turn or river. I consider the fold, then look at the pot…it’s pretty big already. Ok, so I can’t win the entire pot, but if I manage one of my runner-runners then it could be ok. Besides, one of these guys could be on a bluff or a draw, right? So I pushed with Ace high, no kicker. First to act folded and since we have two all-ins, there was no more action to be had. The turn was a 9, and so was the river. The board showed 37999 with no flush. In other words, I can be beaten by pocket pairs, a 3, 7, 9 or AK, AQ, AJ. Somehow, no one had that. The other all-in player had Q4s looking for the flush, and the raiser must have been on a bluff because he mucked to my ace high. After rake, it was a $79 pot pushed my way. I was up $4 on the first hand I had won. I cashed out a little over $90 after another 30 hands or so.

So was this a bad call, faced with all that action in front of me? I tend to think it was, but I haven’t bothered to do the numbers behind it yet. Was I “pot committed” enough to justify it? Or is that just the catch cry of all drawing donkeys. How was I to know I actually had the best hand when I went all-in?

Why NFL Sucks

Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell Smart: They can't fire me. I know too much.

”Get Smart”

Don Adams, the voice behind “Inspector Gadget” and the great Maxwell Smart himself, passed away aged 82. Man, I loved that show, even though it’s peak run was 20 years before I was born. “Inspector Gadget” was easily my favourite cartoon as a kid, and I remember being ever so jealous when another kid had the Inspector Gadget toy where you could plug everything into it’s head. So rest in peace Don Adams. Apparently he was a big poker player too, or so Vince Van Patten said once.

See that segue, brilliant wasn’t it? Would you expect anything less from the “World’s Greatest Poker Blogger Ever”? Of course you wouldn’t.

Whenever I’m playing poker recently, be it live or online, quads are just coming up everywhere. In 100 hands last night, I saw them twice at the table and I folded what would have been quads twice! Must just be the season for it.

This past weekend, the Australian Rules Football Grand Final took place in front of 95,000 screaming fans with the Sydney Swans coming out on top. By far Aussie Rules is my favourite sport, and Grand Final week is always a special time. It starts on Monday night with the Brownlow Medal, which is like a MVP for the year. Then on Thursday night is the Grand Final Footy Show! My parents used to travel to Melbourne every year to go to the AFL Grand Final, so we would have the house to ourselves for that weekend. A few buddies from school would come around my place and stay the weekend practically, watching the footy and drinking starting from that Thursday night. Ah, good times.

Aussie Rules footy is by far the best game in the world. It confuses people of all other nationalities, and that only adds to it’s lustre. I know my North American friends are getting comfortable with their NFL season by now, so I will try my best to ruin it. Here are my reasons why AFL is better than NFL:

- Non stop action! Why does NFL football stop every 20 seconds? And they spend half the playing time waiting around deciding what they are going to do next. This means a 60 minute game takes 3 hours to play with 20 minutes of actual game time. That’s just not economical. AFL games are 4 x 20 minute periods (which we call “quarters”, clever name) where when play stops, so does to clock. Oh, and to add to the excitement, the playing time left in the game is never shown.
- A cast of thousands! NFL teams have a bench that could easily double as a small town. With 15 men on the field (I think, correct me if I’m wrong), there seems to be upwards of 30 on the sidelines. In AFL, we have 18 men on the field, and only 4 on the bench. If those four get injured, then bad luck you’ll just have to make do.
- That’s not in my job description! It seems every player in a NFL game has one job to do, and they do nothing else. Specialising in a particular skill works I guess, but they really don’t have all around talent do they? What? This guy can run AND catch? Put him in the hall of fame! It’s kind of a necessity in AFL that each player can do everything, otherwise they will get left behind, and this includes being able to kick and handball with both sides of the body. Each player plays offence and defence at some stage in the game.
- This is your captain speaking! How much reliance can there be on one position in a game? How many games can you win with a shitty quarterback? I understand it’s no good throwing a 45-yard pass unless someone is good enough to catch it, but it seems that teams have to be over reliant on the quarter back position. In AFL, the grounds are just too big to rely on one player, you need the entire team firing to get up on the day. Speaking of which…
- Goal to Goal! 100 yards? You call that a football field? That has got to be the smallest field of play for any code of football. 100 yards is roughly 90 mentres, which is nearly half the length of an AFL ground (which are nearly that wide as well).
- The “Spekkie”. What is so spectacular about the game? A massive hit, or a great catch perhaps? Maybe a decent run? It really doesn’t compare on a highlight reel as a “Spekkie” does. In AFL, you are allowed (and encouraged) to jump onto your opponents shoulders to catch the ball. Here are some famous examples…I think only a basketball dunk could compare with a spectacular moment like these.






Now you’ll notice I didn’t go the “how many pads do these guys wear” angle. I know they wear a lot of padding, and they need to because with everything being so specialised, the impacts are going to be greater and more often. I mean some players can have an entire career without ever touching the ball, what is the fun in that?

Feel free to try to defend your game against the might that is Aussie Rules. And don’t come to me saying how much money these guys make compared to AFL players, or how many people watch the Super bowl. That’s just because they don’t know what Aussie Rules looks like or they can’t understand it. I mean, think how many people watch soccer, and how boring is that shit?

"Joker Poker"

Carlos: I'm curious, Mr. Delaney. How did you get the money?
Michael: I guess you could say I sold my soul.
Carlos: Yeah, I see a lot of that.

”Tomcats”

I have played about 20 minutes of poker over the last week, which was a good session but that’s really beside the point. I can’t see myself playing much either for the next month as the wedding season has officially begun. We have had visitors at our house all week and more are due this week, making spare time very sparse.

My one session was a quick $1/$2 NL game, where I doubled up on a well played hand that I can not remember now. That’s right…Maybe it wasn’t as well played as I thought. I had AQh and it was raised to $8 by early position, who was a little loose and aggressive. I called and we were heads up. The flop was all small with one heart, and he lead out with another $10 bet in the $19 pot. I had about $24-$30 left and decided to push, which I thought would induce a fold. If he had AK or a pocket pair though, I was in trouble. Could he call with Ace high? I doubt it, but you never know. Anyway, he thought about it and decided to call with KQ. No miracle king, and I managed to double up and book a nice little profit for myself.

Poker on TV this week, and the first ever Australian poker television show debuted on Saturday night. “Joker Poker” held at Star City Casino here in Sydney showcases Australian comedians competing for charity. I have heard many complaints about “Celebrity Poker Showdown”, but surely they could not be worse than this show.

Firstly, the show combines “jokers” with poker. That is, comedians and poker play, so who does this appeal to? Fans of the comedians and fans of poker. Great, problem is they never advertised who the comedians would be, and secondly they were not trying to crack any jokes as the games went on. And as for the poker? Well, none of the four (yes, a four person “tournament” each week. Guess they couldn’t find enough comedians on short notice) knew anything about poker, so it was bad. I mean, it’s not their fault they don’t have the experience in the game, but you’d think they would have been given a quick tutorial at least. On one hand, three get to see the flop and then first to act quickly folds, and then so did second to act. It doesn’t take much for someone to say “You can check for nothing you know” to save this embarrassing situation.

It was also annoying that the dealer doubled as the announcer, asking for the blinds every hand and reminding them yet again what the blinds were. Speaking of the blinds, a representative of the casino would come out and announce the blind raise when it happened – a task that could be done by the commentators or just a graphic on the screen. But he had his 5 minutes on camera, so good on him. Tool.

The commentators did their best, and their shortcomings were not their fault. Adam Spencer, a good local comedian and former breakfast radio host did his best, but it was obvious he is not a poker enthusiast. For example, on one flop the lead off bet out the minimum $200 and Spencer said “That’s called limping in, isn’t it Lee?” to which his co host replied “Actually it isn’t…” Like I said, not so much Adam Spencer’s fault, but this does limit any credibility the show could have. But what else puzzled me was this wasn’t a live show – can’t a mistake like that be picked up and changed? It’s called editing! Why make your host into a fool for such blunders, give him a chance at credibility!

His co-host was Lee Nelson, a poker pro from New Zealand who has had a fair amount of success and a book or two under his belt. He did a really good job, he was excited enough and any advice/reasoning he gave for a play or what he would do in any given situation was quick and too the point, as well as being easy to understand. He was a very good poker commentator, but my gripe with him is he seemed to forget to look at the camera at all when he was talking, and it was like he was having a conversation with only one person, not an audience. Not a big deal really, but I noticed it.

They did the usual “This is how Texas holdem is played” tutorial at the start of the show, which I can understand. What I don’t understand is why they used footage from the event we were about to watch to illustrate the hands – because it gave away the result of the event in the first five minutes! We already knew which two players were going to end up heads before the first hand was dealt.

And the tournament itself was a shambles. Only four players? I can understand if they want to get the show over in an hour of TV time, but it was a bit of a joke. Secondly, for that 60 minutes we saw 8 hands, of which 6 or 7 had an all-in. Ok, so they edit down the play because they can’t show every hand, but this meant that between ad breaks we would see two hands of action. Oh, and the entire tournament lasted 16 hands. Not 16 that they showed, 16 all up. One player got a good run of cards (including Kings over queens when the other player had queens over tens) and knocked out the other three in succession. He also made the only joke for the entire program, when they went all-in when heads up…”I’m just busting for a piss break!”. Was pretty funny at the time.

So in summary, “Joker Poker” showcases alleged comedians playing alleged poker, combined with a thinly veiled advertisement for the local casino wrapped up with poor production values. It has no appeal for the comedy fans, no appeal for the poker fans, and will be yet another aborted local TV show in the very near future. It was an expected disappointment.

Bye Bye Quads

Chopper: Oh, Keithy. I always thought I was a good bloke.
Keithy George: Ha. What did you ever do that was good?
Chopper: Well, I bashed you. That was good, wasn't it? It was good for a bit of a giggle, anyway.

”Chopper”

Some readers may question why I refer to my significant other as the “Distraction”, and I have the perfect example ready here for you.

I also try to play when my Distraction is out of the house or already in bed, but I have been getting more lax about this rule as of late. The other night, I’m having a good session on Titan, up about 25BB in very quick fashion after having hit a few hands when the Distraction comes home, going a mile a minute talking about nothing important (more giddy that it was Friday and work for the week was over). I am two tabling, which is usually my limit anyways, but at one of the table I am dealt A7s in late position. I have been killing the table, with the deck fair smacking me in the face, so I am actually thinking about raising with this suited ace in this position if it is not raised before me. UTG +2 does raise it, so I change my mind and decide just to call – all the while still trying to talk to the distraction. When I look back at the screen to see the flop, I don’t see any cards in front of me. I had folded instead of called.

Now most people would say this was my fault, but we know that is simply not true. How could the “World’s Greatest Poker Blogger Ever” make such a mistake? I was fully Distracted. And what was on the flop? T77, turn was the case 7. The pot ended up being 22BB without me in it. I wasn’t impressed and logged out immediately as there was no chance I could play optimal poker from that point on. It also started a massive down swing that lasted for all but 15 minutes of the weekend.

There are some massive holes in my game, but I just can’t figure out what they are. Is it luck? I don’t know, but there have been a lot of times that I have had cards like AK get done by A5, a few out kicked losses and the such. I am noticing I am winning a lot of small pots and loosing the bigger ones, which is not good. I had a very quick NL session, and flopped a straight with A5 and eventually got all the money in the middle against 66 who had two pair only. That helped, and I cashed out up $69 from that small session. I may think about having more of a crack at the NL games if my bank roll can survive it.

First Impression Count

Rubin: It's supposed to be a challenge, it's a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be “the way”.

”Road Trip”

First impressions of my time at “Titan Poker” – I love you guys. Sure, I played at Noble poker and wasn’t overly impressed, but the new skin is already in my good books after a very juicy 24BB session (which was really only two hands were I held the nuts and got paid off by top pair and flush chasers), and also after I had installed the software I was on for no less than 1 minute when a friendly operator named Mandy appeared with a message on my screen.

“Would you like a bonus $10 for your account?”

Well, I was trying to find out how to deposit at this stage, and had just pressed the cashiers button. I know sites give out free money from time to time, no strings attached, and this would be welcomed I think. In truth, I responded instantly without delay.

“Yes. Yes I would.”

And in turn, all I had to do was deposit in the next few minutes. Would I like help with this? Sorry Mandy, I have already had my deposit go through. 5 and a half seconds later, my initial deposit was $10 heavier and I didn’t have to do anything else for it. First the pleasant blue display, and now this. I think I am going to like Titan Poker already.

It’s amazing how I relate to other people in a similar fashion. They say first impressions count, and that is a definite truth when it comes to me, but it’s not like I make it a rule or anything. Basically, if someone is nice enough the first time they meet me, I’ll hold them in high regard. Once I give the eternal approval of the person, they would have to do something pretty drastic to change that. Some of the rudest and most obnoxious people are my friends because they were nice to me the first time I met them, it just works out that way. Rarely have I chosen to loose a friend, but there is one exception, which is kind of a childish example from my high school days.

In the final few years, I was dating this girl who I had no real interest in besides her very impressive physique. Ok, there are not many girls that read this blog, I can be honest – she had great tits. There, I said it. She was a drama queen and had no interest in sports what so ever, as well as just about anything else I was interested in but I was willing to overlooks those facts.

Since I am talking about some girl in high school and not my current distraction who I am marrying inside 1 month’s time, you can probably guess that things didn’t work out and we broke up for reasons I can not remember. Two weeks later, one of my close friends informed me that after a drunken night he might have kissed my ex-girlfriend and he wanted to apologise to me. I laughed it off, because hey we do these things when you are drunk, but he was well aware of the unwritten rule that you don’t go near your friends ex. What is the shelf life on that rule? At least the amount of time they were together, and in some cases more. But alas, what was done was done and no hard feelings were held.

This particular offending friend had the nickname “Chip” given to him by my little brother. “Chip” refers to the movie “The Cable Guy”, where Jim Carrey’s character just hangs around all the time and won’t leave Mathew Broderick alone. This came from one day when he called my house to see what was happening – I was tired and didn’t want to put up with him so I told me little brother to tell him I was asleep. He decided to come over anyway, and played Nintendo with my little brother in the lounge room for an hour before I came out of my room. So little bro starting calling him “Chip”, and he never knew why.

Anyway, back to the story at hand, he told me about the little indiscretion and I wasn’t too concerned about it. High school was now over with, and we had the summer to fuck around before we would all move away to start University. As sick as I was of the guy, he asked if we could watch some vids and have a few beers at my place the night before he left, which would be two weeks before I was to leave. I said sure, why not, after all it’s his last night in town we can let bygones be bygones and what not.

At about 10.30pm, he left the room as his mobile rang (all you North Americans are aware that we call “cell phones” a “mobile”, right?). He came back and said he was being picked up in 30 minutes. I knew straight away what was going on. My older brother (I am the middle of three boys) was also drinking with us, and he caught on in a flash too. Not only was getting a booty call from my ex girlfriend, he was getting her to pick him up from my place. That was just poor form. I wasn’t about to make a scene or anything, I’m just not that type of person, so I didn’t mention it at all. When she came to pick him up, I said see you later, and then went back to my room to finish off the rest of the beers with my brother.

To maximise the TV’s presence, we had the lights off. When I got back to my room, my brother yelled at me to turn the lights on. And there he was, standing bent over facing away from the window with the curtains drawn, mooning the two people who had done me wrong. It’s at times like these that you remember what family is really about. We polished off the rest of the beers which tasted better now for some reason.

I think the moral to that story is that you have to do something pretty deliberate to go from my good side to my bad, but to be honest I just like telling the story. What happened to those people in the story? I have no idea. I left for University 2 weeks later (after Chip had already returned home because of “home sickness” – now that I think about it, I wonder if the girl had anything to do with that…) and would soon meet up with my future wife.

This story had something to do with first impressions, didn’t it? Or am I just getting to reminiscing about past girlfriends because my bachelor party is coming up soon?

Immortal Poker Beast

Cadet Alex Stone: What about family and unity and all that other bullshit you said?
Major Payne: I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?

”Major Payne”

What a rambling post this will be.

Bodog is now finished for me, and I have to say I give the support and software a big thumbs up. My cash-out was processed and in my Neteller account within 24 hours. It’s just a shame there are not enough games on the times I like to play. Anyways, I cleared enough points to deposit out the full bonus amount, and I leave Bodog having cleared the PSO bonus for $90 worth of gear and a profit of $16 – which includes the $160 bonus money. I guess I just didn’t have that good a time with the cards there, but my final session was a massive 25BB in the positive after 20 minutes. What can I say, I just hit a few hands and 1-2 people wanted to call me down to make sure.

I think my next PSO stop will be Titan Poker. Even though it is just Noble Poker by a different name, and I am not a big fan of Noble, the extra juice offered by PSO is just too damn tempting.

I have started reading “The professor, the banker and the suicide king”, and I’m only about 100 pages or so in. I love these stories, and it throws up some interesting background history to some of the pros – for instance, Howard Lederer spent 2 years trying to conquer $1/$2. 2 YEARS! Obviously this was in the clubs of New York and not at Party Poker, but can you imagine what people would say about an online player struggling at $1/$2 for 2 years? I’ve been at that level for 2 months now, and really I don’t know if I am any further along in progress.

The sums of money they are talking about, while I knew these games existed, still amaze me. I can already see why so many other bloggers have given this book big wraps, it is certainly a view into a world most of us only dream of. I won’t go into detail about the actual events as to spoil it for those that haven’t read it yet, but there are some amazing calls by people there – both during the games and just getting the bank roll together.

I also just finished reading “The Death Of WCW”, which my wrestling enthusiast would recognise as a company that was sold for “next to nothing” a few years back when business was bad. As the book states, the company went from the most popular show on all of cable television in 1997 to bust by 2001. Despite all the bad decisions made in that time, the one true nail in the coffin for the company was when they lost their TV time. This is an important point that I will come back to in a paragraph or so…

I keep hearing people talking about when poker will jump the shark, and how all the players will run away to some other craze when the dust settles. But it won’t happen like that, because for every person you hear that lost $1000 playing poker means somebody else must have won $1000 (minus rake and all that, but lets not get distracted). So even though obviously the pool of money among the players grows smaller in time due to the house taking their cut, the money more of less goes from one player to another, and then a new player adds their hard earned to the fire and so on. When you loose $1000 in blackjack, the money disappears into the casinos coffers. In poker, even if it is taken off the table you can bet it will be back some time soon.

Poker may never be as big as it is now ever again. The World Series main event might go back to tournaments under 1000 people when interests wane (and buy-ins rise), but it won’t disappear. Online poker has obviously fuelled this craze over the last few years, and when that meteoric rise reaches a plateau and falls, there will still be survivors. When this eventual “jumping of the shark” occurs, poker won’t die. Party might go from 70,000 people to 10,000, but it won’t die. Even in the casinos, poker was still being played and making people rich or broke long before the internet was a factor. What can kill poker? If the casinos stopped offering poker then it has a chance to die. But then what about online? What about all the underground card clubs? What about home games? If the casinos no longer offered poker, the growth of all these off-shoots would spike very quickly and then start a slow and long decent. The only way poker could die out after this boom period is if the casinos stopped offering the game. And since they have been offering it for longer than I have been alive, there will always be someone willing to start a game.

So in conclusion, poker will reach a peak some day, it just has to, and then far fewer people will make their living from this pastime. But it won’t die, not while people still have money in their wallets, stars in their eyes and gamble in their hearts.