Thursday, February 23, 2006

Dear Gambling Gods

Jack's Mother: Uh, what it is you do, Mr. Staggliano?
Vinny Staggliano: College professor.
Jack's Mother: Oh! What do you teach?
Vinny Staggliano: College stuff. What are you, a fucking cop?
"The Heartbreakers"

Dear Gambling Gods,

Look, we must have got off on the wrong foot, can we start again?

Hi, my name is Heafy. Now I know I must have done something to piss you off in the past, and for that I apologise. Whatever it was, I’m sure I didn’t mean to offend you.

I think your brand of “tough love” though is going a little too far.

Maybe I have cried “bad beat” one too many times over the past 201 posts. Is this what made you angry, because I can change I swear!

Much like the little child caught smoking his father’s cigarettes, who is then force fed them until he can stand them no more – you have force fed me bad beats of the 2 and 3 outer variety. And I understand now, I shall try to limit my cries to once a week. Ok, so I’ll cut back even more than that, just make the bad man stop!

Is it because I decided to use the poker money for goods other than poker? Did that offend you, taking more from the global pool of poker dollars for you to toy and play with? You must understand, it was something I had to do. It wasn’t you, it was me.

Yeah I know, that shit excuse didn’t work when I heard it either.

Just as a reminder, you know when my opponent has only 2 outs and I say in my head “Not the Queen of Hearts or Diamonds”, that doesn’t mean I am calling for the Queen of diamonds. I feel like you have become confused when I am calling cards and you are honouring my “requests” far too frequently and consistently. Please, just treat me as every other player out there and ignore those requests until you are prepared to pay full attention to them.

And I now understand that you were offended that I tried to buy your favour by donating to a worthy cause with only selfish ambitions in mind. From now on, any charitable activities I undertake will be of a selfless nature with no expectation in return for reward. But even if my selfish motivations have the end result of helping those in need, then doesn’t the end justify the means? I can assume the answer is no in light of recent occurrences.

I have not bonus whored in months, that has got to mean something right? Ok, so I’ve already done it at just about every poker room on the net there is, but I’ve still stopped for the moment. Does this not please you? Just tell me what I have to do, o Gambling Gods, for playing correctly just doesn’t seem to please you all that much anymore…


I got to just there writing my letter to the Gambling Gods when I realised something. There are no Gambling Gods, only Gambling Demons. The head demon in the poker department is known as Fishlar, The Unmerciful and Cruel. And he is not in place to serve our gambling addictions – we are there to play out his sickest of fantasies. Every time we yell and scream and belt our mouse, he gains in power. Every time we loose when we are a 94% favourite, his influence grows. He has many pawns throughout the lower levels of pokerdom doing his bidding, most of them unwilling and unaware.

Now that all this is obvious to me, I started to write a new letter.

Dear Fishlar, The Unmerciful and Cruel.

Fuck you.

Yeah, you heard me.

Fuck you.

Lots of love



I don’t think I need to tell you that I suffered some more bad beats last night of the 2 and 3 out variety, and even some runner-runner’s where I was 99% to win when the money went in. It just seems whenever the river is coming and we are all in, I say in my head – “He can only get this card to win” and then pow, there it is. It works with any card, if I think of it in my head, he hits it.

Hey, at least this post is better than going into hand histories!

1 comment:

DuggleBogey said...

Always always ALWAYS envision the Deuce of Hearts!

Unless he needs a deuce or a heart. Or both.