I feel a need to comment on a very important aspect of the online poker game - The name you choose to be represented by. The name you select means a lot about you as a player (Huh?), and really can determine if you win or lose (just go with me here.). The names chosen at any poker site fall generally into one of the following categories, and I give my apologies in advance for my lame attempt at l33t for I am no match for the real l33t poker names out there:
1 - "Local Tourism Board"
Completely made up examples include: "OhioMan", "NYPoker", "JerseyBadMan".
The "LTB" player needs to tell people where they were born, are currently living or recently received a wrongfully addressed post card from. There is a sub-division for players who choose to use their college to define their name, even though they dropped out freshman year in 1984. Just how specific they are varies from national monikers (Non-US only, mostly Canadian), state-wide (Mostly US), to the local small one horse town that recently got the Interweb thingy hooked on up. The reason why US players choose state-wide as opposed to a national identity is because they believe that since they exist, it must naturally be assumed that they are from America (the fact that the state they mention is an American state can be ignored for the sake of my argument.). This is deeply entrenched in their genes from an early age, where they watch the "World Series" being played out by only American teams. Canada has a law where any Canadian person who is likely to come into contact with people from a country other than the US must at all times remind those foreign people that they are Canadian and NOT American. This goes for real life as well as in poker rooms. The "LTB" player is likely to loose all their chips.
2. "Poker Terms"
Completely made up examples include: "PocketAces", "RiverMan", "Foldme", "QueensFull".
The poker terms player likes to hide their true identity behind any random poker term they find on any poker medium available. Favorite among this all too popular breed are "pocket" anything. It has been proven by The Greater Univeristy of Poker in North-West Dubbo that by naming yourself after a good starting hand will fool 43.765% of professional players into thinking you have that starting hand on most occasions. The number increases when the hands become higher ( 'PocketKings" = 74.218% and "BigSlick" = 66.667%). The unfortunately reality of the results of the study from the Greater Univeristy of Poker in North-West Dubbo is that their credibility has been shot to pieces ever since they recommended the best way to win lotto was birthdays. The "Poker Terms" player is also an expert on all things poker, and as the name suggests they will throw in any poker term they can at any time no matter if it fits or not. Please see example below.
PocketAces: Ha! Bet you didn't see my boat coming down the river with the cowboys doing the paddling!
RiverMan: Yeah, but my bullets and hammer UTG sucked out your runner-runner over pair!
PocketAces: But my button burst your bubble on spades full of broadway with crabs kicker on the blind!
They hate anybody who mentions the movie "Rounders", and thinks ESPN ruined the true, pure poker that they play. If you beat them it was luck, if they win it was skill. The "Poker Terms" player is likely to loose all their chips.
3. "I'm Famous!"
Completely made up examples: "U5h3r", "Tr1ppl3HHH18", "SlimShady", "DustinDiamond4EVA".
On rare occasions, the "I'm Famous" player attempt to convince the rest of the table that they are in fact who their names says they are. While maybe the odd celebrity may try their hand at poker every now and then, I find it hard to believe that they would spend a few hours online trying to win $29.66 (with the exception of Dustin Diamond perhaps. Hey, Screech gotta eat you know.). This is seen as really pathetic, especially when "BigGuy1955" tries to hit on "BritneyGurl" and asking if she could show some more skin in her next film clip.(this is of course not confined to online poker.). When the "I'm famous" player is not trying to impersonate any random celebrity but just honoring them by name, all seems well...That is, until "SlimShady" sits at the same table as "R34LSlim" - and nobody stands up no matter how politely you ask and it is best to turn off chat immediately. The "I'm famous" player is likely to loose all their chips.
4. "It's Me".
Completely made up examples include: "BarrySmith", "JoyceUK", "Henry21", "FitFrank69".
"It's Me" players really don't understand what the Internet is for, and that is hiding behind an online persona and never letting on to who you relly are. They have chosen a name that even the Boulder City Police could decipher (Jay Leno would be so proud of me right now). With no imagination evident, you can guarantee the "It's Me" player will either see every single flop just to make sure their 72o is no good, or they will fold everything that isn't pocket aces. When ever anybody wins a hand - no matter in what fashion - they are sure to post "nh" in the chat box, and give you a "gg" when they finally loose their stack. When playing against an "it's Me" player, you must never post anything similar to them, as it will start a never ending run of constanants the likes of Wheel of Fortune only dreams about. See example below:
BarrySmith: gl all.
BarrySmith: lol. vnh.
JoyceUK: ROFL :)
BarrySmith: ty. asl?
JoyceUK: U BBQ?
BarrySmith: udg fgrt qzxc?
JoyceUK: IOU SAD VCR DVD FUBAR.
And on it goes. Do not enter into any discussion about important shit, because it is guaranteed that the "It's Me" player has a world of experience and an opinion on every matter that your tender years could not understand. This does not include poker, even though they will tell you what you should have done all the time regardless if you won or not. The "It's Me" player will loose all their chips.
Completely made up examples: "$3xyH4x0r", "1<8pr0n", "&*$%#^#(@"
The scurge of the internet, online poker rooms are not immune to the "Leet" player. The have studied the "shift" key for hours, and experimented with "crtl" and breifly "alt", and is even prone to binges of "Caps Lock". You are a "n00b" if you are sitting on the same table as them and dare to speak. Similar to the "Poker Terms" player, if they beat you then you have been "0wn3d", you stupid fucking noob you. If you beat them, it is because they are so damn drunk right now (they're not). He knows that this poker site is fixed and he has proof (he doesn't). You may beat him but he was on fire last night when he won $10K at the bigger limit tables, he is just slumming it on these tables you are on because he is bored and still so damn drunk (they're still not). The "leet" will loose all their chips.
Well, there you have it. Try and spot as many of these as you can in your next poker room and already you will have the advantage.
Off the topic of poker, I'm pretty stoked to be going to see the Australian Premier of "Walking Tall" later this week, and even happier about the fact that The Rock will be there in person. He has been doing all the usual media spots aorund Oz at the moment and is good to listen to. Been watching a bit of Futurama on the weekend, and with quotes like these I don't know why it got cancelled:
"Now the dominoes fall like a house of cards. Check mate!" - Zapp Brannigan.
Damn that was a good show.
Now that I have already received a response to my last little update with the links, I will be trying to add one more link per update, be that poker related or not. This week I am adding Wrestlecrap. If you love professional wrestling, or just a good laugh at it, then be sure to have a look. And buy his book too, it's worth a read.
That will do for this update, don't know when the next one will be but hopefully I will be above my current $0.00 by then.