Monday, January 31, 2005

Life is not fair.

Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?
"The Jerk"

That quote is funnier in the context of the movie. Speaking of which, why was it called "The Jerk"? Navin was anything but! But I'm already getting off track...

The title of this blog was brought to you by Saturday and half of Sunday. Even before I read Sir FWALG thingy's latest post, I fully believed that life was not fair and I had certifiable proof.

PROOF LIFE IS NOT FAIR, EXHIBIT 1: To begin with, my house was over run by females (and one male friend, but he is quite literally gay). While this might not sound all that bad, lets examine which exact species of females we had present:

1 x Bride to be
4 x Bridesmaids
1 x Bride to be's mother.
1 x Bride to be's mother's mother.
1 x Gay friend of a bridesmaid that I spoke about earlier

Add to the mix many bridal magazines, dress fittings and bridal exhibitions, along with a healthy dose of champagne and wine tasting, and life was already looking like it wanted to kick me in the ass. Or was this a blessing in disguise? You see, they would be out all day while I could stay home and play poker clearing the deposit bonus all day long, and even partake in a $5K freeroll while I'm at it. That was my plan.

PROOF LIFE IS NOT FAIR, EXHIBIT 2: On Friday night however, a friend let me know he was moving this weekend. Shit. I hate moving my own stuff, and I hate it even more when it is somebody else's. But when a friend asks, you must. So I gave him my morning as that would be enough to move what was left of the heavy stuff and that was all I was needed for. Not too bad. I got home and fired up the trusty PC for some $1/$2 holdem.

This guy sleeps with Shannon Elizabeth. Someone explain that?

PROOF LIFE IS NOT FAIR, EXHIBIT 4: You know, if believing that when I get dealt pocket aces that every other player at the table should immediately forfeit their entire stacks to me is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Why does it hurt so much when your aces get beaten? And when they do get beaten, why is it always by some crap like 94o? Including the live games, in 2005 I have had pocket aces 8 times, and they have been cracked 7 of them. This shows why I hate limit holdem. I bet preflop, 1 player calls from middle position. Ragged flop, so I bet again, he calls. Now the turn brings what could be a gutshot draw for anybody silly enough to be holding 94o. I bet, he calls. The river brings one of the possible gut shots, I bet and he raises. I look up the definition of "crying call" in my handy pocket sized poker dictionary and scribble out the word "crying" and replace it with "scream for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to take this evil demon from this realm and rape him of his humanity and soul - call". Of course he had 94o. Now, the wise little poker playing philosopher would say "This is the kind of player you want to play against - he will pay you off in the long run." Obviously somebody wasn't listening because it happened again and again and again, and not just to this one guy. I counted no less than 12 times I flopped trips, and not once did they either turn into a boat or were big enough to win the hand. To say it was getting to me was an understatement. It's usually at times like these where you fold crap like 64o and they flop quads or something - I couldn't even hit my folded hands it was that bad. This Saturday cost me nearly 1/3 of my bankroll and I was still 100 hands or so away from clearing the bonus.

PROOF LIFE IS NOT FAIR, EXHIBIT 5: Of those 8 times I mentioned where my aces were cracked seven of them, the other time I took down a $4.75 pot.

PROOF LIFE IS NOT FAIR, EXHIBIT...Oh, fuck it. I'll just continue telling my bloody story: I was not happy, let me tell you. I decided to once again try Omaha hi/lo, and got the same treatment. I do not know what constitutes a good hand in this game. It did not matter what I held, it was not good enough. I was getting pocket pairs that were hitting on the flop but the board would never pair. I learned quickly that if a flush or straight is possible, then somebody has it. I guess with four cards and people love to see a full board in Omaha, it is very likely. I couldn't even win the low half of the pot. If I held A2 or A3, it would be counterfeited. If I had the nut-1 low, you damn well betcha at least one person has the nut. Ok, I think I have got my point across - it was bad.

I checked my bonus account balance and I was still a few hands short. It will have to wait until tomorrow.

Sunday would be different, I told myself. I have the welcome free roll to compete in, and I love a good tourney. When I started, I thought I would even try a $5 tourney to get warmed up. Sadly, I was out early on when my flopped trips (AGAIN?) were beaten by a guy who pushed all-in with a flush draw. He didn't get it. He got a runner-runner straight though. I could feel the blood rising, but never fear because the free roll was around the corner, and first prize would be over $1K.

It's a fucking limit tourney. With 20 minutes rounds. And 700+ people. I no longer want to live.

After 45 minutes I have played about 4 hands and have climbed to 1200 chips out of a starting stack of 1000. Wow. Before long I get chopped down and down and at the first break I have 800. First hand after the break I get The Hiltons, and decided that due to the size of the blinds (and my current hatred of everything) I am already pot committed before the betting has even got to me. We eventually get all-in with me, another small stack and one large one. I have QQ, small stack has JJ and the big stack has AA. Nice. A Jack hits and nothing else, so it is all over for me.

I decided to try $1/$2 Omaha (not hi/lo) to complete the needed hands for the bonus, after which I will cash out what is left (if any at all) and buy cyanide pills. I was two tabling 6 max to get it over with.

I can't explain it, but everything changed. I remember thinking "Why do I hear everyone else say 'The deck was just smacking me in the face' and never me?" Well, I could do no wrong this time around. I had Trips become a boat at least 6 times. Even once when the big stack across the table showed 7's over Queens, I showed Aces over 7's. You bet I got paid off on that one. I was so proud. It all happened so quickly - and when I had an open ended straight-flush draw I thought it couldn't get any better. Unfortunately the SF didn't come, but my jack high flush was good enough today. I tripled my buy in on one table in less than 30 minutes, and nearly doubled the other. It was a very welcomed change - I turned around 40 hours of bad luck into one hour of good and by the time I finished the bonus requirement, I stopped and took stock of what was left. A week ago I deposited $370 with the best of intentions. Now, after clearing a bonus and one good hour of play, I have $369.24.

Now all I need is my 2% in AlCantHang to pay off, and I can will no longer need the pills.


Dr. Pauly said...


AlCantHang said...

Yeah, about that 2%. Well, I had fun anyway. =)

Thanks for the support. Great post. And I'll never figure out the Shannon Elizabeth riddle.

Tully Moxness said...

The reason it's called "The Jerk" is that Navin calls himself that at the very beginning of the movie. Remember, late in the game, he did behave like a big jerk and lost everything because of it. But, he was redeemed by his truly good nature, Marie's love and the support of his now-rich "non natural-born" parents. God, I love that movie!

"I'm Mr. Nussbaum"
"He hates these cans"
"What about germs?" "Put a rubber on it"