Why NFL Sucks

Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell Smart: They can't fire me. I know too much.

”Get Smart”

Don Adams, the voice behind “Inspector Gadget” and the great Maxwell Smart himself, passed away aged 82. Man, I loved that show, even though it’s peak run was 20 years before I was born. “Inspector Gadget” was easily my favourite cartoon as a kid, and I remember being ever so jealous when another kid had the Inspector Gadget toy where you could plug everything into it’s head. So rest in peace Don Adams. Apparently he was a big poker player too, or so Vince Van Patten said once.

See that segue, brilliant wasn’t it? Would you expect anything less from the “World’s Greatest Poker Blogger Ever”? Of course you wouldn’t.

Whenever I’m playing poker recently, be it live or online, quads are just coming up everywhere. In 100 hands last night, I saw them twice at the table and I folded what would have been quads twice! Must just be the season for it.

This past weekend, the Australian Rules Football Grand Final took place in front of 95,000 screaming fans with the Sydney Swans coming out on top. By far Aussie Rules is my favourite sport, and Grand Final week is always a special time. It starts on Monday night with the Brownlow Medal, which is like a MVP for the year. Then on Thursday night is the Grand Final Footy Show! My parents used to travel to Melbourne every year to go to the AFL Grand Final, so we would have the house to ourselves for that weekend. A few buddies from school would come around my place and stay the weekend practically, watching the footy and drinking starting from that Thursday night. Ah, good times.

Aussie Rules footy is by far the best game in the world. It confuses people of all other nationalities, and that only adds to it’s lustre. I know my North American friends are getting comfortable with their NFL season by now, so I will try my best to ruin it. Here are my reasons why AFL is better than NFL:

- Non stop action! Why does NFL football stop every 20 seconds? And they spend half the playing time waiting around deciding what they are going to do next. This means a 60 minute game takes 3 hours to play with 20 minutes of actual game time. That’s just not economical. AFL games are 4 x 20 minute periods (which we call “quarters”, clever name) where when play stops, so does to clock. Oh, and to add to the excitement, the playing time left in the game is never shown.
- A cast of thousands! NFL teams have a bench that could easily double as a small town. With 15 men on the field (I think, correct me if I’m wrong), there seems to be upwards of 30 on the sidelines. In AFL, we have 18 men on the field, and only 4 on the bench. If those four get injured, then bad luck you’ll just have to make do.
- That’s not in my job description! It seems every player in a NFL game has one job to do, and they do nothing else. Specialising in a particular skill works I guess, but they really don’t have all around talent do they? What? This guy can run AND catch? Put him in the hall of fame! It’s kind of a necessity in AFL that each player can do everything, otherwise they will get left behind, and this includes being able to kick and handball with both sides of the body. Each player plays offence and defence at some stage in the game.
- This is your captain speaking! How much reliance can there be on one position in a game? How many games can you win with a shitty quarterback? I understand it’s no good throwing a 45-yard pass unless someone is good enough to catch it, but it seems that teams have to be over reliant on the quarter back position. In AFL, the grounds are just too big to rely on one player, you need the entire team firing to get up on the day. Speaking of which…
- Goal to Goal! 100 yards? You call that a football field? That has got to be the smallest field of play for any code of football. 100 yards is roughly 90 mentres, which is nearly half the length of an AFL ground (which are nearly that wide as well).
- The “Spekkie”. What is so spectacular about the game? A massive hit, or a great catch perhaps? Maybe a decent run? It really doesn’t compare on a highlight reel as a “Spekkie” does. In AFL, you are allowed (and encouraged) to jump onto your opponents shoulders to catch the ball. Here are some famous examples…I think only a basketball dunk could compare with a spectacular moment like these.






Now you’ll notice I didn’t go the “how many pads do these guys wear” angle. I know they wear a lot of padding, and they need to because with everything being so specialised, the impacts are going to be greater and more often. I mean some players can have an entire career without ever touching the ball, what is the fun in that?

Feel free to try to defend your game against the might that is Aussie Rules. And don’t come to me saying how much money these guys make compared to AFL players, or how many people watch the Super bowl. That’s just because they don’t know what Aussie Rules looks like or they can’t understand it. I mean, think how many people watch soccer, and how boring is that shit?