Tuesday, January 17, 2006

David Boon > Chuck Norris

Douglas Jardine: I demand an apology, one of your team mates called me a bastard.
Don Bradman: Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?

I think maybe only Australian's will get the joke here. If you don't know who David "Boonie" Boon is, google can tell you.


The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Boonie’s Gray Nicholls.

Boonie’s tears don’t cure cancer, but they do cure a hard earned thirst as they are 6.2% alcohol.

Boonie doesn’t shave; his beard is too scared of his mo. The only thing that isn’t scared of Boonie’s mo is Boonie, and possibly Merv.

When Boonie was born, he never cried. He just rearranged his box, then got on with the business of growing his mo.

Boonie sold his soul to the devil for his mo and unparalleled batting ability. “Fielding at Short Leg” ability was his own doing. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Boonie swung his mighty Gray Nicholls at the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play back yard cricket every second Wednesday of the month, even in the winter.

Boonie does not sleep. He waits. For your shout.

Boonie once cover drove someone so hard that his Gray Nicholls broke the speed of light, went back in time, and smashed Charles Kingsford Smith while he was flying over the Tasman

Boonie built a time machine and went back in time to stop Harold Holt going for a swim. As a shark came near him, Boonie’s mo strangled the shark. Holt died of amazement and floated out to sea. Boonie then drank a case.

Boonie does not drink like a horse… horses drink like Boonie

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Then he found out about Boonie drinking 52 cans of Full Strength beer on a flight between London and Sydney, and Chuck Norris’ cancer came back, but this time it had a bigger mo.

The chief export of Boonie comes in keg form.

Boonie is currently suing Slim Dusty’s estate, claiming “The Pub With No Beer” is something that just shouldn’t be joked about.

Boonie won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply smashed the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him to the fence with his Gray Nicholls, and the game forfeited.

Boonie drank his first stubbie before his dad did.

Boonie was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “brew”. Unfortunately, the trip along the desert following that star was a long one, and none of the 12 cases of beer made it, hence why he was left out of the bible.

If you can see Boonie, it is your shout. If you can’t see Boonie you may be only seconds away from a shout.

Boonie doesn’t read books. He drinks in front of them until they pass out. Then Boonie shakes their hand, rearranges his box and gets on with business.

When Boonie sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready at short leg. Boonie has not had to pay taxes ever.

Boonie can make a woman climax by simply pointing at his mo.

Boonie once ate four 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes hitting boundaries.

Playing in England for the ashes, Boonie brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged mo rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Boonie out-drank the animal, breaking its non-iron guts, to remind the crowd once more that Boonie giveth, and the good Boonie taketh away.

When Boonie plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather alcohol poisoning. He also requires no wagon, since the family is carried on the drinks cart. He always makes it to Oregon before you, then rearranges his box and gets on with business.

After little debate, Australian Prime Ministers have always decided that we do need to have armed forces instead of Boonie. The reasoning? It is more “humane”, and Boonie sometimes likes to go home to Tasmania instead of touring.

Boonie once shot a British plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Howzat!”

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Boonie–more than meets the eye, Boonie–robot in disguise,” and starred Boonie as a Test Cricketer who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a keg. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into the “Transformers” and the “Talking Boonie”.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact leg glanced to death by Boonie.

Boonie recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Budwiser. Boonie won’t drink it either.

There are no retired bowlers. Only bowlers who have met Boonie.

When Boonie’s wife burned the snags one Boxing Day Test, Boonie never got upset. He just got out his Gray Nicholls, and then belted the burnt off all the snags. He got Man of the Match that day.

If you ask Boonie what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he sweeps your nads for four. Then he rearranges his box, and gets on with business.

1 comment:

Heafy said...

Hello Everyone! If you came here for the 30 facts about Boonie, leave a message and tell me how you found out about them!